Do me a favour and watch this video.
I've seen this before, it's been doing the rounds a while but I just listened again this morning and something struck me. It feeds into a recent conversation about finding our own language, a way of expressing the self that is aligned with the truth in our hearts.
I know that along the journey to discover 'my' voice, I have tried on the voices of many others. This used to frustrate me. My experience so far is that the only time I feel certain about my voice, is when it sounds like 'someone else'. In other words, I know when I'm not being me. I also accept that in order to find my own, it's necessary to express myself regardless, not wait until 'it' arrives. And also, to allow myself some awkwardness. It's ok for your 'voice' to be influenced by the voices of others. How else will we learn to expand our own vocabulary?
If I've learned anything, it's that discovery is not an event. It's a process.
It takes a lot of time and patience to know the Soul.
Funny isn't it. That which was born with us, which lives with and inside us, our 24/7 companion can be so elusive in revealing itself.
I want to know what my soul 'sounds' like. I've been blogging (publically) a couple of years now. Like Michaelangelo, I've been chipping away at the stone, trying to find the form within. I've had feedback from some (Not necessarily who 'know' me) that I speak from the soul. That what I'm putting out is 'me', that there's a consistency in my voice... and every time I'm surprised. My always response is, 'really'?
Why is it so hard for me to 'hear' the sense of self that comes from me?
One of the great illusions I tease myself with is the illusion of Self-certainty. I see others being themselves and project onto them an absence of doubt about 'who' that person is. I project the notion of 'I have me sorted' out into the world of other and therefore hold myself in the pattern of 'NOT'.
Or maybe this is an indication that I'm not experiencing other at all. Maybe all my stuff keeps getting in the way.
I feel like curator more often than creator. My thoughts, impressions, philosophies, beliefs, opinions... Nothing really is 'mine'. While I do make choices, and the more I grow into my skin, the more conscious those choices are but "I" didn't 'invent' my worldview. It's informed. It's formed.
Maybe I'm expecting the wrong experience...holding out for the me in it all to be revealed.
But that version of me, the imagined experience of "AH! THERE SHE IS..now I can get on with it", is not what comes.
Anyway... as I listen to this child, something is happening inside me. On one level I'm thinking,evaluating...looking for explanations. "She's using a language she has learned" etc... That's how I've watched this video before.
But they WAY she's using language is another thing. What is it? Sincere? Is it that she really believes in what she's saying? She seems to understand what she's trying to communicate with those 'things' that limit us so much. Words.
Watch her body instead. Listen on mute.
I think what I'm really 'hearing' this time from her, is what's there beyond the words. It's something to do with her presence... how she uses it to accentuate her message.
I don't yet have the language to fully communicate the dissonance in me this has created this morning. That's good... it means I've been struck.
This fascinates me. I could contemplate it for hours (and knowing me, I will!) But not on any more of your time, so I'll leave it here. If this strikes you too and you have anything to add or share, please do!
Thank you for being here and listening to me xoxo