I would be lost without my journal. A place to expose the unquiet of my mind and the thorning of my heart. I turn to my journal, daily.
At my workshops, I share with Pilgrims, how I've used my journal to write my way through depression, loss, grief, relationships, the demise of my first marriage.
I wrote my way through the process of recovering a sense of self. Of learning to live from the inside out and not, as I've spent the first 33 years of life doing, from the outside in.
If I don't have my journal handy, I get restless. If I don't have it on me when I need to release, I will use my phone, napkins, mail envelopes, receipts from my purse, anything.
In my journals, you will find stream of conscious writings, dreams and plans, lists, ideas, lists -of- ideas, mind maps, brainstorms, intentions, resentments and attempts at prayer - [still haven't figured that out]. You will also find all the most intimate confessions of my life. Statements and patterns of thought that betray something true about me: That I am abundant with an ego that worships at the altar of control.
This morning my journal looks like this:
Gratitude on the left and 'story about why I still cannot Surrender the desire to binge eat, on the right.
Why do we hold on to that which is literally suffocating the life out of us? Why? Because there's 36 years 'invested' already? In what? Delusion. That's what. A chronic symptom of EGO.
+ Ego is a disease. And mine right now, is septic +
My disease can't let go because it believes, in spite of ALL evidence to the contrary, that 'control' is the answer. It believes control is absolutely attainable. 'Other people are doing it', even I've done it, plenty of times. I have successfully controlled this before. But not any more. Which can only mean one thing: 'I'm failing'
Enter self loathing.
Control is the carrot and control is the stick. Control is the dragon I chase on the daily. And this control junkie can.not.give.it.up.
There's too much to lose. And yet, I can't win. What the fuck?
+ This is the the law, according to Murphy +
I'm deeply frustrated that I can 'get this' intellectually but that I still can't make the shift and let it all go. I'm afraid that letting go will just give the green light for all I fear to come true. And yet ironically, that's happening anyway so it seems I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.
Why can't I accept that the terms are non negotiable, that I'm just not gonna get 'my way'. Here's what I know now and am also willing to admit:
+ I CANNOT OUTSMART THIS CONDITION +
I've been journalling the shit out of this and this week, I came across new information about me. I realised something I hadn't known before. Are you ready?
I don't actually want to be free of my desire to binge, I just want to be able to get away with it.
I realised that my anger is not about my not being able to have 'all the food'. It's because I have lost the will to do ridiculous things so that I can have it. To purge, so that I may inoculate myself from the inevitable weight gain. To hide my shame from YOU. This is what I mean by 'control'. I'm angry, because I have once again lost my ability to mask the thing that betrays to 'the world', my weakness. This helps me understand better, what it is I *really* want:
+ I want to be able to control your perception of me. +
Dieting is compensation. Counteractive. A Corrective measure that gives me the illusion I am covering up my sense of inadequacy and powerlessness. The illusion is power and the delusion, is that I can have it. So I resist. And I deny. Powerlessness.
I fight against the very first step on the path to hope.
I cannot control what you think of me. When rational me hears this, she's like 'Hello Amanda, you know this'. But there is a very innocent part of me who has not reached the age of rationality and for whom this is all very real and scary and hard. Because she thinks she knows what you've concluded about her and it's not good. And because she's still small, she looks up to you. It's your opinion that matters. She believes you. It's me she doesn't trust. Yet.
So now I wait.
This is new information. I know this now. Can I know it and still not be able to let go? How to release this desire for control? The need for 'all the food' I sneak. And where to find instead the desire to be unburdened? Where to learn about having, doing, being 'enough'?
The story continues...
Always, Amanda xoxo