Oh... I'm here... Almost a full month since I've posted anything. Resistance, avoidance... why? Why? why? why?
If I had to guess it's because I've done with writing what I do with painting, with work, with making lunch and what I do with all things I do... try too hard to get it 'right'... expect too much. I'M TOO DEEP!!! (Breeeathe).
Let me rephrase that... I'm passionate, DEEPLY passionate... and until recently I didn't really know this. I just thought I was aggressive, impulsive, obsessive. So I'm still learning how to refine my passion and learn the lingo.. I'm learning to channel it into the things that bring me alive instead of spilling it out all over the place (that was no fun).
I feel I'm up against some sort of dam, pressure... I have so much to say... so much to learn, sort out and sort through and it's as if it all has to be done NOW. Like one post / book / lesson / painting / day / week / mantra / guru, whatever is going to be the breaking open of me..
I don't know how to pace myself with what I want to express. So instead there's resistance to write. Kind of like when you resist a good cry, because you convince yourself you haven't the time to break right now.. you'll wait until you can get all the tears to line up at once and cry together, when you have a good enough reason to justify the indulgence but then get ambushed by a flood of pent up controlled emotion when randomly confronted & caught off guard with one sad image / ad / thought / story / song / burnt toast / over ripe avocado... Now that's burnout girl.
So In this post I'm just going to type... and let myself talk a bit, because if I let my mind get involved it will put me through an excruciating exercise two hours longer than it needs to be. And I want to write here, I want to make this a practice and keep going.. showing up even if I have nothing 'insightful' to say, even if I'm not going to impress you. (Hello Ego... would you please wait at the door til I'm done please)
Seriously though, I just want to be me here... and that little voice inside me, trying to convince me that I can't just come on here and talk about my day, can't just muse about me and my life, there has to be something in it for you. Why would you want to read about me if there's nothing in it for you?
But I read about others 'stuff'.. and I like to. I like it when other creative souls out here in blog-land open up and tell me what kind of day they had, and the thoughts around it... the struggles and the lessons learned... but me, no... for some reason I pressure myself to come on and be Oprah, or Eckhart... Bear my soul. I'll spare you, and myself, because that will make for a long day and it's already 9.30 and I've to shower before I hit the sack.
So what's been happening in my pond since I last came on here and wore myself out?
- I applied for an art and craft fair in November (massively courageous of me! I'll know by Sept if I'm going to be accepted)
- I have been painting and doodling on anything and everything that will stay still long enough, most recently stones (which obviously met that criteria perfectly) on which I painted some cheerleading words & cute doodles...
- I succumbed to a curious urge and attempted my first self portrait, which was very brave... no resemblance, but that would be asking WAY too much xD (I'm actually embarrassed to post this, but I made a deal.. this is a creative learning journey and I'm sharing it, warts and all)
- I painted a big Daisy Jane in the style of Kelly Rae Roberts... who I love...(strangely enough, my sister sent me a gift from Boston, not knowing of my KRR obsession and what did she send only a KRR canvas block print!! Hellloooo!)
"Love more, fear less"... This is a mantra that is stuck to me like glue since I started painting.. it refuses to pass or make way for another... obviously some part of me is not fully satisfied or trusting I am doing enough of this... I am, believe me.. If I wasn't, you would NOT be seeing any of my pieces.... Words... I'm stuck on words right now... More on that again.
- I spent a 7 glorious days, relaxing, sun basking and reading in Lanzarote in the magic of my mother's company, she's such a beautiful person, a true lady and a massive heart driven woman... I Love my mammy <3
- I compulsively inhaled this book... if you haven't... do. (my friend said 'it look's like the beach ate that book', no... I did)
- And Finally... I did it... I found an Art Retreat here in Ireland. I found it and the sign up 'deadline' had passed... I chanced my arm and made a wish that I would manage to get a place.. I emailed Pauline Agnew... and she whole heartedly welcomed me aboard.. I'm seriously too excited about this. Never done anything like it before and I just know it's going to blow my art-heart wide open <3 I'm so looking forward to the art and connecting with other creative souls..
SO... although I've been missing in action, I haven't been resting on my laurels.. I've packed loads into the past month.. I've put myself forward.. engaged my passions and although I'm struggling a bit on the wordy side of things, that's ok... I know that will come too.. I'm just trying too hard to be me... and not an echo of somebody else.
It's all good.... Thanks for stopping by, don't forget to share some love with me.. I love to hear from you and know I'm not out here alone...
Always, Amanda xoxox