HATE is heavy.

Lads, have you ever lost a load of weight, thinking it was the answer to all your problems only to find after months of extreme deprivation that nothing about your life 'actually' changed?

I did. I lost over 7 stone (100lbs) once...It was a protest, against ME. An act of violence fuelled by a cocktail of pills and self hatred. I thought it would 'solve' the problem of my life, how I felt about myself.

There's a certain shock in going through something like that and at the end of it realising that, although the physical weight is gone, you still carry the same hefty emotions around with you.

HATE is heavy.

Hard as it is to believe when you're so desperate for change but feel powerless in your agency... your imagined solution IS an illusion. See those pills? Those 'shakes'? They represent the Predator. The promise of 'a better life'. Outsourced.

Let me tell you something about change from someone at the mercy of it. It starts within.. it is a deep and difficult journey. It requires a shit TON of inner work. It's hard. It's ongoing and it sometimes creates moments of overwhelming doubt. So much so, outsourcing seems like the ONLY way around it.

But you can't 'go around' it. You have to go THROUGH it. Happiness, satisfaction , YOU have to change. You have to work on what is INSIDE...

I faced into this 'weight as a measuring stick of worth' thing 7 years ago. I fucked the predator into the bin, along with the scales and I stepped out onto the path of finding and strengthening the self in me I could LOVE, not hate.

I am still doing the work. It's hard.. I struggle, I falter, I doubt. I'm much better than I was. MUCH better. But I can't afford for a second to get complacent because the predator is still out there. Feeding on what's IN here. Always will be.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE WILLING TO EXPLOIT YOUR FEAR.

Violence is not the answer. AMPUTATION is not the answer. PEACE is an INSIDE job.

Are you listening? I know what I'm talking about. You might get what you think will vindicate you, but you're setting yourself up to marry BLUEBEARD. Once he gets his castle...he will decapitate you. And maybe then you'll learn.

Always, Amanda