I finished this canvas today. Last week, it was something else entirely. Something I was trying to force. I was chasing an ideal, something that would 'prove' I was worthy... 'better' than I am. I was trying to create something I KNOW is years ahead of where I am. It caused me a lot of frustration and ultimately, discouragement. I fought and fought with the canvas, not wanting to accept my limitations. Not wanting to accept me, here, now..again.
Do you ever do that? Overwork something to the point of tears?
That 'something', by the way, is usually ourselves. It's a form of compensation. We think "I'm not good enough now. But I will be once I achieve X, Y and Z.... oh and A through W as well. Today. Before I allow myself lunch."
Lunch becomes dinner, becomes heartburn at bedtime. Monday becomes Friday, becomes Sunday, becomes tears. Oh... hello breakdown!
I only stopped the fight when I ran out of denial. I surrendered because I had no choice. I was beaten. I had to let 'her' go... the woman I was trying to create, the artist I was trying to be. I can't not do this work, but I jeopardise it if I abuse myself in the process.
So again, I was forced to turn to simplicity. I made do with what I can and where I am.
Why do I keep taking the hard road to simplicity?
It's no coincidence that there's a juvenille quality about this piece. It's a subconscious message, I believe. To myself, reminding me to just be myself. That I am young in my art and my practice and to not do with my creativity the thing I did and have done all my life to myself. Denying. Rejecting. Wishing I was different, better, wiser, successful. Wishing I was 'mastered'. Wishing I was worthy. That actually makes me sad.
That's what I think. I have to stop 'trying' to be where I'm not. I have to drop the belief that where I am, who I am is not good enough. I beat myself up too much, always have.
I called this 'little weirdos'... I like the playfulness of that.
Do you ever try too hard? Why do you think we do it? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Always, Amanda xoxo
P.s... If you'd love these little weirdos, click here