Here we are. A new year. Exactly 8 years to the day I first stepped foot in the room I would visit every Thursday evening, for 18 months, straight.
I first sat with Catherine O Grady of Nirvana Therapy Centre on Jan 5th 2010. I was in a crisis of wrongness, one I had tried and failed, over and over again, to 'escape', by dieting.
I thought I was lacking self esteem. What Catherine helped me discover, was that what I was really lacking, was a sense of self and that I was suffering from the condition of chronic unworthiness, a symptom of which, is eating distress, fuelled by a diet mentality. Features of eating distress, include food restriction, binge eating and shame.
It was here that my recovery of and from, began.
I'd love to tell you I am recovered. In many ways I am but when it comes to food, I'm not. I am still at the mercy of a default setting so ingrained, it remains a mythical notion to me, that I will ever be free.
BUT....I have recovered enough of a 'self', to keep me hopeful and connected to the process.
Editing this video was a little uncomfortable for me, if I'm honest. But in a 'good' way, that 'hard kind of good' way. The editing process requires that I replay and listen to myself and this conversation with Catherine repeatedly, over a matter of hours. I have spent the last year in the painful spiral of binge eating. Editing this video, confronted me with myself in a way I couldn't 'skip over' and dismiss. I could really 'see' the me, who's struggling.
Here are the recovery notes I took as I edited. I have a lot of work to do to regain my footing around ED.
In this video, myself and Catherine have a conversation about the condition of unworthiness, how it manifests in eating disorders and how chronic dieting is often a symptom of this distress.
We talk about recovery as a language of freedom and staying connected to the learning process that is recovery.
Catherine is hugely experienced ED practitioner and offers in person and Skype counselling and mentoring as well as facilitating a weekly support group in Limerick, for anyone seeking recovery from ED and their families. You can contact her through Facebook or at her website. Catherine is affiliated with The Marino Therapy Centre, Institute for Eating Distress Studies, Dublin.
I hope this chat is helpful and of comfort to you, Pilgrim. Please feel welcome after, to share your thoughts in the comments here or join our closed FB Community 'Pilgrims On Deck'.
Always, Amanda xoxo